Category: depression

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?

This is just a bit of a catch-up, really.

If I have ANY regular readers, please let me know.  It’s a bit lonely in here, and for someone fighting depression, like my good self, it’s heartening to know that there’s someone out there.

So if there is, please leave a comment or something.  That way, when I do take a spiral down (which will happen at some point), I can hold onto the evidence that someone does actually give a shit.

Anyway.  Not been too bad recently.  The job bumps along.  Looks like a colleague is well and truly fucked off (and I can’t really blame him, based on what’s been happening and the changes of circumstances he’s been through recently), and is planning to resign in February.  I’ll miss him.  His truly (deliberately) awful jokes and puns really did help lighten the mood.

The experiment into dropping my dose of sertraline to 100mg per day seems to be working.  Although I’ve got less resistance built in to spirals, I do feel somewhat more in control and a bit more present.  So that’s a good thing.

Really do need to start going to the gym again, though.  I managed regular visits for nearly a month, but a few days of feeling crap have lead to me not going for something like a fortnight now.

I need to do something about that.  The workouts help the brain chemistry and therefore help the depression (and also help with the inevitable weight increases caused by the drugs), so this is something I really do need.

Something I also need to do is get back into writing.  I was somewhat (pleasantly) shocked to actually get a few quid from my novella, Wild Caught Are Always Better (available from many good ebook retailers… and probably a few dodgy ones, too – click on the link if you have a Kindle or use Kindle software).  It seems to be heading off into cyberpunk, which is interesting, not least for me as I watch it develop as I write it.

Might try and write a couple more paragraphs at least before I go to bed tonight.

Advertisements
Friday 20th July 2017

Friday 20th July 2017

Chester Bennington hanged himself.

His depression finally managed to get past his last defences and managed to do the same thing to him that it had done to Chris Cornell, Robin Williams and hundreds of other people across the world.  It’s tragedy.

But you know what’s worse?  Especially for those of us who are, right at this moment, very much aware that one day, that could be us?  The whole “he was selfish” narrative.

No.  Let’s just end that here.  No.  Definitely not.  No matter what they say, these people have never, ever had even an hour of REAL depression in their lives.  For which they should be eternally grateful.

Depression is that constant companion whispering in your ear so it gets into your subconscious.  It tells you that you’re not worth it.  That your friends aren’t really your friends, they’re just taking pity on you.  You don’t really matter to them at all.  It will also attempt to convince you that your family would be better off it you weren’t there anymore.  They’d be better still if you were dead.  Then they wouldn’t have to worry about you coming back and fucking up their lives yet again.

Another thing I get sick of hearing is “why didn’t they get help?”

Part of going really deep into depression is that you believe that there is no help for you.  It doesn’t even occur to you to try and get it because you don’t actually think there’s anything wrong with you.  Looking back, before I started getting treatment, I said and did some awful things to various people for literally just being somewhere I didn’t want them to be.

We need to have friends who will stick by us.  People who will be there to drag us out of the house and just be there to make sure we don’t do anything stupid in the guise of making everyone’s life better.  We won’t ask for help.  You’ll never know how badly a person with depression is because we’re experts at hiding it from the outside world.  We don’t want to burden anyone else with our problems.

Sorry friends and loved ones.  It’s down to you.  You’ll have to push us to get help.  Don’t stop until the treatment is underway and keep pushing.  We may not think we’re worth the hassle, but so long as there’s someone there to care enough, we might just get through this.